Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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