you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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