I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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