I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
