I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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