i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
from now on my penis is your penis
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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