I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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