the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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