my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
