either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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