I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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