omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
