I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
