i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
