Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
