Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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