Soap is not a condiment
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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