my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
