All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
