yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
