i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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