if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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