Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
