it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
