My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
