But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
