Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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