i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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