I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
