If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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