my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
