You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
