He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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