3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
