a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
