i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
