I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
