So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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