Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
