GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
