Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Who died my cat blue again?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
