Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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