I accidentally had phone sex last night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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