i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
