So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
