OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
