That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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