He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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