Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
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