my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
