I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
