I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
