Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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